


Missing What You Never Had

by smaragdbird



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alpha!Bucky, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Extremely Dubious Consent, M/M, Mates, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Omega Verse, Suicidal Thoughts, omega!Rumlow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 04:32:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2137122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smaragdbird/pseuds/smaragdbird
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rumlow finds out that he's pregnant during CA:TWS, and realizes that this is his chance to finally leave HYDRA - to grab Bucky and run.<br/>He gets blown out of a building first, and loses the baby.<br/>Bucky is really hard on him, for being Hydra, for killing all those innocent people, for trying to kill so many people. Rumlow doesn't blame him for being pissed because Bucky has a point.<br/>But as everyone starts to corner him, he cracks. Because yeah, he was fighting the wrong battle, and yeah, he had a lot of enemies, but he is still human, damn it and he can only take so much.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Missing What You Never Had

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this ](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/19458.html?thread=45667586#t45667586) prompt on [](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/profile)[**avengerkink**](http://avengerkink.livejournal.com/).

They kept him imprisoned without asking any questions, simply bidding their time. They knew sooner or later the suppressants would wear off and bought into the cliché that an omega in heat would be putty in their hands.

Rumlow didn’t clue them in that that particular strategy wasn’t exactly new. Especially since Switzerland had many vaults and he’d probably be here for a while until his team found him.

Didn’t mean it was pleasant though. It started with a low tingling feeling in his stomach, building up and spreading out until it made his skin crawl. The build-up was always the worst part, when the urge to be fucked became worse and worse, suffocating him and blanking him mind.

He didn’t hear the fighting outside, too busy to fight for control over his own body, but he looked up when the door opened.

It was Winter. He was maskless and the only sign that there had been a struggle was a spray of blood against his cheek. Rumlow watched as he flared his nostrils, taking in the sweet, heady odour of an omega in heat. Just like Rumlow could smell Winter from across the room, his whole body screaming for him. No other alpha had ever smelled so fucking perfect.

Winter moved forwards on instinct but looked scared out of his mind by it.

They had stripped him for the interrogation, his hands suspended above his head. He was so fucking slick all Winter needed to do was drop his pants and slide right in. Which thankfully he did. Rumlow hadn’t had heat sex in years and he had forgotten how fucking great it felt. Winter’s metal arm sent sparks against his feverish skin as he pressed them closer together, fucking him as deep as he could. His other hand was wrapped around Rumlow’s cock, jerking him off clumsily. Rumlow could feel Winter’s knot forming and let out a low whine, tilting his head forwards to bare his neck, showing his submission. He had never done this before but his instincts told him Winter would be a good mate. Winter’s teeth grazed his neck, biting down to claim him the moment he felt Rumlow come.

“I’m sorry”, Winter said afterwards even if he couldn’t keep his hands from touching Rumlow. Not that Rumlow could either. It was instinct, to make sure his new mate smelled like him as much as possible. “When Pierce sent me here, he didn’t say – “

“It’s okay”, Rumlow interrupted him. Of course this had been Pierce’s idea. An easy way to get leverage over both of them, control freak that he was. “Not the first time this happened, except the mate thing obviously. And of all the alpha’s Pierce could’ve sent in here, I’m kinda glad it’s you.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Not as much as I should”, Rumlow sighed.

///

Of course there were rumours spreading like a wildfire when Rumlow came back to work with a mating mark on the back of his neck. Considering that most people pegged him as an alpha upon meeting him for the first time, many of his colleagues had speculated he was too unruly, too aggressive to appeal to an alpha as a mate.

“I assume this won’t change anything”, was all Pierce said.

“Of course not, sir.”

Pierce dismissed him with a reminder to keep his medication up to date. As if Rumlow had ever voluntarily missed out on his suppressants or birth control before.

“Good to have you back”, Rollins said, leaning against Rumlow’s desk where a mountain of paperwork from the last fucked up mission was waiting for him. Sometimes Rumlow regretted taking the position as Strike Team Alpha’s leader. “Heard a rumour you have a claiming mark on your neck but then I thought ‘This is Brock Rumlow, the omega who wouldn’t even give Captain America a second glance.’”

Rumlow walked past him and heard Rollins take a sharp breath. “Damn, the rumour mill was actually right for once. Who’s the poor alpha so I can give him my condolences?”

“Fuck off, Jack.”

“Is it Hill? Or Romanov? Tell me it isn’t Rogers.”

Rumlow looked around. His office was empty and Barton was on a mission in Zimbabwe so there should be no on lurking in the ventilation shafts. “Winter.”

“Really?” Rollins laughed. “Well, he’s pretty and not around all that much. Although he probably won’t remember your birthday. Or your name while we’re at it.”

“Not like I had a choice.”

Rollins grin dropped off his face immediately. “I’m gonna kill that bastard.”

“Relax, Jack. It wasn’t his choice either.”

“You mean...?”

“Yeah.” They couldn’t mention Pierce here but Rollins understood.

“Then I’m gonna kill him.”

“It’s fine. And you’re right. He is pretty.” Rumlow gave Rollins a lecherous grin that made his best friend roll his eyes and let out a huffed laugh.

“I’ll never understand you. But if you need one of them dead...”

“I’ll do it myself and call you for the clean-up.”

“So you haven’t changed. That’s good”, he said and slapped Rumlow’s shoulder before leaving him to his work.

///

The world was tearing itself apart and Winter was kept busy. It meant less time in cryo and more mind-wiping. Rumlow was still Winter’s default handler and they still were one of Hydra’s most successful teams. The only thing that changed was that he got laid a lot more often. For Winter it was all instinct considering that each time Pierce had him wiped he couldn’t remember Rumlow’s name.

“What about children?” Winter asked him once.

“What about them?”

“What if you’re...”

“Don’t worry. That won’t be a problem.” It hadn’t even been a problem during his fucked up disaster of a second mission for Shield twenty years ago. And that one had been nearly a textbook version of “how to break an omga”. “Why, do you want kids?”

“Pierce wouldn’t allow it”, Winter replied, his sad blue eyes trailing over Rumlow’s stomach for a moment. Rumlow could almost picture it: a girl with dark eyes and Winter’s fine brown hair, a boy whose blue eyes weren’t sad, an unruly black mop on his head. But then he tried to imagine Winter laughing and couldn’t. He could barely remember seeing him smile.

“No, he wouldn’t”, Rumlow said and it was the only time they ever talked about it.

///

“Are you okay?” Steve asked when Rumlow lost his stomach on the Lemurian Star.

“Boats and I don’t agree”, Rumlow lied. “Don’t worry, Cap.”

Steve let it go but when he looked up Rumlow met Rollins eyes, watching him. “I’m fine”, he said.

“If you say so.”

“Forget it, Jack. We have a job to do.”

He threw up four more times until they reached the shore and for three days straight after that.

Fuck.

///

He pushed the issue back until the morning of the helicarrier launch. And only because Rollins pressed a pregnancy test into his hands and pushed him into the next bathroom.

“I’ve got work to do”, Rumlow protested.

“You need to take a slash anyway. And if it’s really a stomach virus we need to make sure the canteen staff are on the hit list”, Rollins said through the door. “Also Jack is a good name for a kid.”

“Fuck off.”

He could hear Rollins laugh while he waited for the result. A little plus sign appeared on the stick.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck.

“Fuck”, Rumlow said.

“You’re okay in there?” Rollins asked.

“Yeah.” Nothing was fucking fine. He had to find Winter. He knew he was around somewhere but hadn’t seen him since the last time Pierce had him wiped. It was his first instinct to find his mate and get out of here. For a second the fantasy he had once had came back in full force and Rumlow caught himself smiling in the bathroom mirror. Maybe he would finally find out what Winter looked like when he smiled.

“So”, Rollins said as he saw Rumlow’s face when he opened the door. “Jack for a boy, Jacqueline for a girl?”

“I’m not naming my kid after you.”

“You’re cold. They should’ve named you the Winter Soldier. Speaking of which, want me to find him?”

Rumlow shook his head. “I’ll do it.” It would be easier to slip away in the chaos Steve and Natasha were undoubtly already preparing for Pierce.

“Take care”, Rollins said and hugged him.

“You, too.”

“And re-think about the name”, Rollins called after him.

///

It was sheer and utter luck he survived the helicarrier crashing on him.

Rumlow didn’t feel very lucky. Faced with his injuries, with the loss of all his friends on either side, with losing his mate and his baby death would be kinder.

He curled on his side and ignored everyone. Stared out of the window and tried not to think. Maybe he could hoard his painkillers to finish the job. Or find Maria Hill or Agent Carter. They would probably be glad to put a bullet through his brain.

“You don’t have to do this”, he could hear Steve say on the other side of the door. Whoever was with him talked too softly to be understood.

The door opened and two people walked in, two men judging by their steps.

“Brock.”

His heart clenched painfully when he heard Winter’s voice. Winter who was Bucky Barnes, Steve’s best friend. He should’ve paid more attention in history class.

“So we both made it out alive then”, he said, not turning around.

“No thanks to you”, he heard Steve say.

“Told you it wasn’t personal, Cap”, he said lightly.

“You’re coming with us”, Winter said, sounding strangely detached, like he had sounded shortly after Pierce had wiped him.

“Am I going to rot in a prison cell? Or do I merit a shallow grave somewhere in the middle of nowhere?” He’d vastly prefer the latter.

“Neither”, Steve said to his surprise. “You’re Bucky’s mate so you’ll under my supervision for the time being.”

“Whatever you say, Rogers.” He wondered if Steve knew about his miscarriage. If Winter knew. When he had woken up from his coma he had asked the doctor to keep it from his records but a mated omega’s wishes were rarely respected without the support from their alpha mate.

“Steve, give us a moment”, Winter said. Without turning around Rumlow knew what Steve looked like, unhappy but respecting his friend’s wishes.

Winter walked around the bed until he was right in front of Rumlow. He looked different with his shorter hair and his shoulders squared. He looked better, healthier and Rumlow resented him for it.

“I’m starting to remember things.”

“And?”

“I wish Switzerland had gone differently.” It hurt to hear it but it was little more than a pinprick when he was already bleeding out.

“You’re not the only one.” Because fuck Pierce, he hadn’t asked for this. He wouldn’t even be here if the not for the bond that had been forced on him as much as it had been forced on Winter.

“But it didn’t and it’d be better if we stay together for now until we find a solution.”

Rumlow had a solution but apparently someone had decided he wasn’t going to die anytime soon. He wouldn’t ask Winter to do it. Asking your mate to kill you was seen as an unparalleled cruelty.

///

Steve and Winter took him to New York into Stark Tower. The irony wasn’t lost on Rumlow.

He didn’t see much on Winter. At first because he was still recovering and slept most of the time and then because Winter was avoiding him. Or rather they were avoiding each other. Rumlow could’ve found Winter if he had wanted to but he didn’t. Instead he went to a rarely used gym in the tower basement to work on gaining his strength back and outrun his nightmares about a girl with blue eyes name Jaqui drenched in blood.

If Winter knew about their child he never mentioned it the few times they did see each other and Rumlow didn’t know how to bring it up. Of all the things that happened this was the worst one apart maybe from Rollins’ death. For a few hours his happy ending had been almost within reach only to be taken from him again together with everything else.

///

Rumlow hadn’t expected for Winter to find him in the gym. They hadn’t seen each other in days hadn’t talked in over a week.

“You look better”, Winter said, looking him up and down. “Barton says you’ve been here each day.”

Of course the tower’s ventilation shafts wouldn’t be safe from Clint Barton.

“What do you want?” Rumlow asked. He had been waiting for weeks for the Avengers’ judgement, only holding back on the desire to kill himself because Winter was there and he wouldn’t do that to him. Not while they were still mates.

Winter shrugged. It looked foreign to Rumlow and then he realised it was because he had never seen him shrug before. “You’ve been having nightmares. You never had nightmares.”

“All my friends are either dead or hate me. I think I’m entitled to a few bad dreams.”

“You have no reason to feel sorry for yourself”, Winter snapped.

“Of course not. And you have never made a single bad decision in your life, have you, James?” His voice dripped with sarcasm and he hated himself for not hating Winter. “Does Stark know you killed his parents? Does Steve know how you snapped the neck of one of his friends?”

“I didn’t want any of this. I had no choice.”

“Doesn’t mean your actions didn’t have consequences though.”

He could never tell who had thrown the first punch. Rumlow wasn’t a match for Winter, hadn’t been even at his best but right now Winter was holding back because other than Rumlow he hadn’t fucking lost everything.

“What the fuck is your problem?” Steve yelled, pulling him away from Winter. There was blood on his face which Rumlow found satisfying to see. It went against everything an omega should feel towards their mate.

“Nothing”, Rumlow growled and turned to leave but Winter caught his arm, his cold fingers curling around his elbow.

“Go, Steve”, he said.

“But – “

“Go.”

Steve followed Winter’s request even if reluctantly.

Once he was gone, Winter asked, “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Bullshit.”

“I fucking lost it, okay?” Rumlow snapped.

“Lost what?”

“Our kid.”

Winter stared at him dumbfounded. Rumlow used the opportunity to slip from his grip and get away from him as quickly as possible. He didn’t want to see Winter’s reaction so he could cling to the fucking fantasy he had believed in before.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I only found out the morning of the big showdown. Couldn’t find you in time.”

“But you said – “

“That it wouldn’t be a problem? One in a thousand and all that. And considering how often we fucked we raised those odds significantly.”

“I should’ve known”, Winter said almost to himself.

“Pierce had your brain pretty well scrambled. And fuck, look at us. It was a fucking omega dream, nothing more.” He had been trying so hard to distance himself from the whole thing, the warm feeling in his chest when he had first found out, the idea of him and Winter and their kid on some beach far away from Hydra and Shield.

“It was a good dream.”

“Don’t fucking say that.”

They sat for a long time, shoulder to shoulder, silent until Winter said, “I don’t know what to do.”

“Ask Steve.”

“Steve’s not my mate.”

“I’m not either. You made that pretty clear. “

“I didn’t mean – “

“You did. Can’t blame you. It’s not like either of us asked for it.” He stood up to leave, already thinking what to pack, where to go. They would never find his body. He’d find someone who could erase a mating bond illegally and Winter would never know. But then Winter caught his wrist. Their eyes met and he understood it was the closest Winter could come to asking him to stay.

It wasn’t fucking fair but he walked back until he stood between Winter’s legs. He leaned down to kiss Winter and Winter let him. It tasted a little bit like hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me [ here](http://smaragdbird.tumblr.com/) on tumblr


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